A Warning About Gifts for Teachers: READ THIS Before You Buy!
"Which holiday gifts should I get for my child's teachers?"
"What is the best teacher appreciation gift, or end of year present?"
"How can I show our school's educators that I am thankful for their hard work?"
The answer to these questions is not what most people think. I've been a teacher for 17 years, and I urge you read the following thoughts before popping your gifts into a teacher's hands. First and foremost:
GIFTS FOR TEACHERS ARE PROBLEMATIC.
Yes, we DO want to be appreciated (and I'll talk more about ways to do that effectively in a moment), but... consider the following issues with educator gift-giving.
1. Gifts raise ethical and fairness concerns.
Legally, most public school teachers are not allowed to accept gifts worth more than $50, but even if a family gives me a $5 gift, I think about the time and labor that went into it... and frankly, feel uncomfortable.
First, I feel uncomfortable because I empathize with the financial and time stress that gifts incur (even "inexpensive" ones). I never want to be a cause of extra stress, and being a parent myself, I know that the organizational effort to buy or create presents is not small.
Second, there is an awkward question of whether expectations are attached to the gift in terms of altered treatment. Now, I'm sure most families have no intention of bribing a teacher through cookies and mugs, but there are still strange feelings that arise -- especially when I receive mid-year gifts while I'm still grading essays. I would never alter my grades based on gifts, but I do have the thought, "How must it feel for a mother to see a 'D' given by a teacher to her son, after she spent hours wrapping gifts?" It's not an ideal combination.
2. Not everyone can afford gifts -- either in money or time.
What I dislike most about gifts for teachers is the pressure they place on families who do not have the resources -- be it in time or money -- to keep up with the "gift giving arms race." Anyone who is on a message board or social media group for a school can tell you that things get out of hand quickly when discussing educator presents.
Parent 1: "I'm thinking of getting Ms. X a $20 Target gift card. Do you think that's enough?"
Parent 2: "Oh my gosh -- are you all giving gifts to all the teachers?! I didn't realize I was supposed to! Do we have to give them to the Guidance Counselors too??? I'd better run to the store!" And so on.
All of a sudden, the mother who is working three jobs is "forced" to squeeze in an extra trip to the store, and extra two hours of present organization in order to not "be rude" or "look bad."
PLEASE, if you start feeling this pressure to give presents and are feeling terrible about it, STEP AWAY, AND DO NOT GIVE GIFTS. It is not worth it. More on alternatives later, but know that no teacher is going to hate you if you don't give a gift. Presents are NOT required, nor expected, and in many cases they just cause problems.
3. Gifts often perpetuate sexism.
In my experience as a teacher and a parent, gift giving organization duties fall 99% of the time on the female head of household. Moreover, the time, money, and energy burden that falls on these women is not cheap.
As a teacher, I do not want to be part of the mental load thrust unfairly upon my fellow females in any way. I would much rather the women of the world get an extra two hours of sleep than shop for me -- or better yet, help their children organize their backpacks!
4. There ARE things teachers need and want... but standard gifts usually aren't it.
Are there items I would like to have? Sure, but for the most part I'd just prefer to buy them for myself. While I appreciate the sentiment of the gifts I've gotten from families in my two decades of teaching, the reality is that almost none of them fit in my life or home.
For example: I'm allergic to most lotions and rarely eat sugar, so any beauty products or sweets are just re-gifted, which feels odd. I have small cabinets at home, and there is no more room for mugs. I have a very minimalistic classroom and don't like to shop at large chain stores, so most gift cards are unnecessary. Again, I would prefer that the mothers of the world spend those hours and dollars on something and someone who needs their efforts.
What are the BEST teacher gifts, then?
If most presents for teachers are problematic, then HOW do we show appreciation? Great question, and the solution is far easier than most realize -- and far cheaper, too!
A. The #1 best teacher gift is a letter.
I don't know any teacher in the world who doesn't appreciate a note of appreciation that describes specific ways the educator has done well that year. If you're hand writing the letter, the paper doesn't even need to be fancy -- plain paper works just as well as, if not better than, a glittery $8 card... and incurs less guilt about cost. Even simpler, email is ideal because it is fast, free (except for time), and the teacher can print it out if they want a tangible version.
What should you write about? The key is to use specific details. Tell a story of something your child said about the teacher, or highlight a major skill or idea they refined with your child, or a quirky and delightful aspect that your family enjoys about the class. Trust me -- you will make the teacher's day with a letter like this... and they will treasure it for years to come.
B. The other best gift is something the class or school as a whole actually needs.
If you want your gift to be 100% appreciated and embraced, reach out to the teacher or school and find out what they actually need. While I feel awkward about accepting personal gifts, I am ecstatic about helping our school as a whole to get items that will directly benefit students.
Here are some examples of great gifts that could come out of families asking for what a class or school needs, and providing it:
• A group of parents pool together donations to buy a printer for one ELA class, which will be used for years to come.
• An even bigger group of parents combine donations to build raised planters in the school playground, which generations of children can then use to learn about gardening.
• One family gifts a lovely $5 wall hanging, after brainstorming with the teacher about how to cover a cracking classroom wall. Another purchases a great young adult book for the class library to replace one that has gone missing.
• Another set of families pools funds to help a teacher set up an ergonomic sit-stand desk to address back pain. (Note: If purchasing something big like furniture, make sure to be in communication with the teacher or school about what actually fits, or opt for gift cards to cover it.)
• A generous set of neighbors arranges for meals and gift cards to be donated for students who very much need them that year. Others support a local BIPOC-owned company to buy educational toys holiday gifts for kids, or for classrooms.
My point: If you REALLY want to give a present (gift giving does make some people happy), I encourage you to reach out to the teacher or school to ask what they would actually find useful and nice.
For some teachers, a school supply store gift card for individual use is great, but for others, they would much rather the gift-givers interface directly with the school as a whole, and pool their efforts and do something truly impactful. Teachers can usually direct you to the administrator in charge of whole-school giving.
Which gifts are best for preschool and daycare workers, or teachers not earning a solid wage?
Time for an important disclaimer: I am a public school teacher making a livable salary. THIS NOT THE CASE FOR MANY TEACHERS -- particularly those in early childhood education, or those without union protections.
If you suspect that your child's teacher is not making a living wage, by all means feel free to individually give them presents of gift cards, useful items, or even cash -- if and only if you can afford it, yourself, and if the gifts fall within the ethics of the particular school. When in doubt, ask the teacher if they would be comfortable accepting a gift, or if there is a present which would be especially appreciated.
Gifts and "Love Languages"
Wait, why are we suddenly talking about "love" in an article about teachers?! Don't worry -- the concept of "5 Love Languages" refers to the idea that people show and receive appreciation in varied rankings of five forms: Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Touch, and Words of Affirmation.
Everyone has different love language rankings, and this is vital to bear in mind when deciding if or how to give presents to teachers. In fact, people who rank "Receiving Gifts" low on their love language list may find presents downright stressful in ANY context, school-based or beyond.
The importance of individual love languages is two-fold: 1) When in doubt, ask the teacher (or other individual) what they want as a gift -- and if they even want one at all. 2) Do not exhaust yourself buying gifts for someone who might actually feel more appreciated via another love language, such as "Words of Affirmation" -- aka, a nice email.
Summary of this Teacher Gift Advice:
The most important message to take away from this article is that if you enjoy giving teachers gifts, great -- do what feels good to you, keeping in mind what will be the most useful and fitting gift for the educator, their classroom, or the school. If giving presents brings you happiness, go right ahead!
However, if you are one of the 80% of humans who find gift giving stressful, I implore you to realize: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE TEACHERS GIFTS. It breaks my heart to see the anguish families feel each year around this topic. If you want to show appreciation to teachers, a letter will more than suffice.
There is no need to pour so much time and money into presents. So many other methods exist to show love to our world's dear educators. Heck -- you could even advocate for pro-education legislation and make systemic change.
What are YOUR opinions on presents for educators?
There's my take on the teacher gift question, after 17 years as an educator and seven years as a parent. But what about YOU? If you're a teacher, which gifts do you like and not like? If you're a parent or guardian, what have you felt around gift giving and schools? If you're an administrator, what would you like to see happen around gifting and education? Do share!
The author, Lillie Marshall, is a 6-foot-tall National Board Certified Teacher of English from Boston who has been a public school educator since 2003. She launched TeachingTraveling.com in 2010 to share expert global education resources, and over 1.6 million readers have visited over the past decade. Lillie also runs AroundTheWorld L.com Travel and Life Blog, and DrawingsOf.com for educational art. Do stay in touch via subscribing to her monthly newsletter, and following @WorldLillie on social media!
Thank you for this article. There is definitely pressure on parents and families that are not able to or don’t even know that it is a thing especially immigrant families.
Speaking on behalf of myself, growing up in an immigrant household, I would see teachers open up gifts in front of everyone and thanking my classmates. I would sit there wondering why & how come my parents didn’t get my teacher a gift. I would feel that the teachers do play a bit of favoritism or would let some bad behavior or grades slide because that child’s parent gave them a gift. I could feel and see that I was treated a little different. I would come home & ask my parents why, only to find out they didn’t even know that was a thing. My parents were also barely making enough to raise me & my 2 siblings so we couldn’t afford to even give teachers gifts.
While yes I agree teachers should be appreciated but I feel like it’s gotten out of hand a little with who’s giving the most & the best stuff. The other commenters who can’t comprehend your article or are fiercely offended are exactly what is wrong with the gifting situation. Giving anonymously or pooling money together to do something for the classroom or the school that will benefit everyone seems like a much better option in my opinion.
Once again, thanks for this great article. I’m a first time mom & was getting anxious & feeling the pressure seeing the things other moms were posting about gifting their children’s teachers before I read this article.
Jennifer,
Huge thanks for taking the time to generously share your story and write this comment to help others. Much appreciated!
I appreciate your perspective, which raised several points I hadn't considered before.
I also appreciate people being willing to disagree, but yikes so many of the comments are pure venom. Maybe folks are reacting with anger because they accepted/gave gifts in the past and feel attacked? At any rate, I hope the mean words don't discourage you. I think you put in the appropriate disclaimers, and I personally got a lot of value from reading your perspective.
This was also raised in the comments, but another option for folks (who have the resources and desire) is to give gifts anonymously. That's what I eventually decided to do.
Lastly, I do feel a little sorry for the behind-the-scene folks who never get even a chance to get letters from parents, etc.
All the best -Matt
Hi Matt,
Thanks for taking the time to write this encouraging comment -- I appreciate it!
I completely disagree with this article. As a pre-k educator (formerly elementary educator), I appreciate any gifts to the moon and back!
Thank you for sharing this important perspective! My main aim in this article is to take off pressure from families who cannot afford the gifts, but feel obligation.
Thank you so much for this I was struggling to find my teacher the right gift. but this article helped me realize that event the small things like cards matter a lot!
I’m so glad this helped ease stress! Yes, cards with specific, heartfelt words are so deeply impactful. Thank you for taking the time to write them!
I have twins in the same classroom. I am always very generous with their teachers. They have all been very appreciative. While my kids are great students I have never had the impression that a gift I have given them helped them in any way. I also randomly write them throughout the year while shopping to know what they need. This perspective on gift receiving seems so bitter, thankfully I have never spent money on someone with this take on gifts.
Thank you for being so kind and generous with your children's teachers! I'm sure they truly appreciate it, and it sounds like a win-win situation because giving gifts brings you joy, too. To clarify, I wrote this article to help ease pressure for people who do NOT have the means -- either in money, time, or emotional capacity -- to give teachers gifts.
No teachers think about gifts in this way. We all want good stuff and are excited when we get it. We literally compare at the end of the day before Christmas break to see who got the good stuff. It is one of the things we mention to each other when we get a new class list. We’d set up a tipping app to allow parents to tip if we can get away with it. To anybody reading this, do not listen to the advice of this woman. She speaks only for herself and she is very much in the minority. Tip or gift your teachers like any other person that offers a service in any other industry. Also, your teacher is very appreciative when they do receive a gift and by no means considers it as suggesting the parents expects certain behavior from the teacher.
Thank you for adding your perspective. My main aim in writing this article is to take pressure off families who currently do not have funds or time to provide gifts for all their children’s teachers. I agree with you that some teachers do enjoy gifts, but want to emphasize that gifts are not a requirement or expectation — especially when times are tough for families.
Hi
I brought my son's teacher.....he's not just a teacher he is a very smart considerate caring also loving teacher that has made my son into the nearly young adult that he will become for the rest of his life I brought a £300 gift voucher for a weekend away for his wife and doggy he's been teaching my son for 5 years and he's never had a break or a day off I didn't get him any gifts over the years as I was saving him a huge gift like this for end of school life but due to the gift policy they gave me it back which has really upset me in my opinion if I can afford to do this then I should be able to and it's my money also if i couldn't afford it then I wouldn't have he was so grateful he said he didn't deserve it which in my opinion says a lot about him as a teacher and person but he was so excited but then to be taken away but my son is leaving soon so could I still give it to his teacher when he leaves as I don't want him to be dismissed from school because of me still wanting him to have this gift so I would like to know is the policy on gifts still the same many thanks
Hi Mandy,
That sounds very frustrating that you wanted to acknowledge the great work of the teacher, and were fully able to afford it, but it was blocked by the school policy. My suggestion is to definitely honor the school policy, because it's in place for important reasons, but talk directly to the teacher about what will work best for you to show your appreciation, within the framework of what is allowed. Best of luck, and thank you for your kindness and generosity.
Thank you for this insight. I was absolutely heart broken to hear an emotional well being teacher telling a colleague that she wasn't even going to be able to afford a Christmas dinner this year because of the cost of living crisis. That's what brought me here, because me and my wife have bought her everything she needs to cook a Christmas dinner,a box of chocolates and a small present to give her on the last day before they break up. I hope I get a good reaction when I give her the things tomorrow, and isn't offended or anything.She is so great at her job,as I have found out through the work shes done with my kids over the past year,but certainly her salary doesn't seem to reflect upon that.
It sounds like you got her the perfect gift, and I thank you for your generosity and care!!!
This article is ridiculous! Maybe if you are a regular ed teacher this might make you happy to read, but as a special ed teacher that deals with behaviors and violence most days, I want a gift!!!! I would never tell a parent whose child is in my class but GET REAL! Give me something (other than a letter) that shows you appreciate the hard work and effort that I put in everyday. I deal with being sworn at, kicked, scratched, and punched on a daily. In most cases my staff and I are more of a parent because I have not only teach hygiene, but I also buy it out of my pocket. Kids come in dirty, I buy clothes so their peers don't bully them.
Very important points. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
@E, I have a 5 year old with autism and I appreciate his teacher and paras so much. What would you suggest would be the best kind of gift card for a SPED teacher? Thank you for your hard work.
Such important work! Sometimes it can be helpful to ask the teacher directly -- some have very specific things that would be most appreciated and would love to be asked. (This is not true for everyone -- some prefer to be surprised -- but it may work in this case.) Thank you for your kindness!
Thank you so much for this. I'm definitely in the category of people who do not have "gift giving" as a love language, but don't want people to feel unappreciated at Christmas time. Give too little and you're thoughtless, but too much and you're in bribery territory. This is an immense source of stress for me.
But I've been doing the things you suggest throughout the school year, so I think in reality, my son's teacher knows she is appreciated. I will send her a Christmas note as well, but this article relieves stress about an accompanying gift. Thank you.
So glad to help alleviate some stress! It definitely sounds like you’re doing a beautiful job showing appreciation!
I think that the teacher who is teaching my kindergartener is doing a very good job. I think she is making my son learn several times faster than if both my wife and I would work together with our son. So, on our next parent teacher conference, I thought my wife should buy a cake + $50 cash in envelope and give it to her to convey the message that she is doing the best job.
Any comment from anyone.
Hi Sardar,
Thank you for appreciating teachers! Each school, teacher, and family is different, so it really depends. I'm curious to hear the thoughts of others, too.
As soon as I read the word “problematic” I knew this was going to be a tiresome read. When I got to “perpetuating sexism” I took a deep breath and put my phone down for a moment. How about we all make life simpler by not causing parents to constantly second guess ourselves? Gift giving to show appreciation is as simple as it gets. Now we have to think about how our generousity is a micro aggression? Thank you for the advice. My advise to you is; say thank you and go on with your day.
Thank you for your feedback.
@Shannon, LOL, of course we all want to show our appreciation for our children's educators. Honestly, when someone gets overly offended about an idea that questions the need for demonstrative gift giving, it's pretty obvious that they thrive on the validation gift giving brings to themselves. It stops being about the teachers and becomes more about entitlement: "look what I can do".
I have some advice for you, Shannon... make your next "gift of appreciation" an anonymous donation to the entire school. Because it's not just one teacher, it's also the educational assistants, the administration, the secretaries, the custodians, the councilors, the supervisors, the bus drivers, crossing guards, the ENTIRE VILLAGE that make it possible for our children to learn at school!!
Hello,
I'm a student studying to be a teacher and I really appreciated your take on how teachers could feel when given gifts. I am also a parent, and I definetly recall some of my kids teachers specifically stating that they'd rather not receive gifts. My kids attended a Title I school, and though we were not in the percentage of the population needing financial assistance, their teachers knew many families did. They always appreciated the cards. There is definitely pressure to give gifts. I would almost say for those wanting to give gifts, perhaps wait till middle school or high school. Secondary teachers do not receive a fraction of what elementary teachers receive. Also, I'm a bit flabbergasted at the amount of people who "read" this article and still didn't understand the message, I guess reading comprehension isn't everyone's strong point ;). Responses were a bit atrocious as well, if you don't agree with an article just hit the "x" and move on with your day. Anywho, I appreciated the perspective of how a teacher may feel. All the best!
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave this thoughtful comment, Diana! I appreciate your perspective.
This is a breath of fresh air! You have brought up so many great points I hadn't thought about. I feel much better about my approach to this holiday. I also appreciate your poise in responding to the negative comments.
Thanks for taking the time to write this, Meagan! I really appreciate it.
I get it, but this is way too much overthinking someone buying a gift for a teacher and that makes another mother feel bad. You know what sorry people do what they can do teachers need to feel appreciated and thanked for their services they go way above and beyond out of their own wallet and if that’s what a person wants to do then they buy a gift if a person just wants to get flowers or just say thank you and write a nice card it’s enough! anything anyone can do is enough! I can tell you this much, the biggest gift someone can give a teacher is to work with them and holding our children accountable and realizing that it’s not the teachers job to mother their kid. It takes a village. And we don’t want to lose teachers. We need them! I got a headache after reading this post.
I agree with you on many of your points!
@Lillie Marshall, thank you so much for posting this nugget. This article should be shared with PTA groups. As a high school teacher I do get uncomfortable with gift especially when the grades are C D F. I rather parents hand the gift to school secretary to anonymously give it to me. I feel appreciated without the discomfort of thinking grades will not be changed from this kindness. Awesome article.
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this kind comment! Feel free to share this link with anyone you think could benefit from clicking on it! My main objective is to take pressure off families who think gift-giving is expected.
I appreciate this article. In our school, I feel that teacher gifts have gotten way out of hand. On a Wednesday, a note came home from our PTO with “suggestions” on gifts to give teachers for teacher appreciation week beginning the following Monday. A different gift each day of the week: one day Flowers, then a gift card, snacks, etc. I have two kids, one is in a split class with 2 teachers, so all of these gifts were x3. So I spent my weekend buying and wrapping 15 gifts. This was in addition to the “class gift” that the room parent (just in one room) collected money for at the beginning of the year. We wait with our kids at the front of the school for the bell to ring, and I saw more than one kid commenting that look, everyone else brought flowers, why didn’t they have any for her? The parent forgot, couldn’t afford it, etc. There is a lot of pressure to “keep up” with everyone else and it’s just way too much.
Oh my goodness! Thank you for sharing this story and these are the situations for which I wrote this article.
I think that this was a very thoughtful article. Her disclaimer is very important. My sister is a teacher in Canada and she has a livable wage. And her most cherished gifts are from her students. Hand made items. Schools are funded well.
My kiddo is in a preschool and teachers are not compensated well where we live in the US.
I would have not thought about writing a letter to his teachers but this has encouraged me! I will do that along with a generic gift card.
Nina,
Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment. Yay about writing the letters to the teachers! They will love it. Happy holidays!
What is up with our society? Every little thing is whiny and giving some kind of soap box lecture about trivial matters. Now we’re teacher-gift shaming??? Honestly, who is stressing about giving a teacher a gift just shouldn’t- most often they don’t anyway! Teachers don’t teach for medals and recognition. They do it to TEACH. There’s not secret to their pay for what they put up with doesn’t pan out. It’s like our veterans, we do what for them because we appreciate them & services. Waste of my time reading this click bait.
Hi! We agree on the point that anyone who is stressing about giving a teacher a gift just shouldn't. I wrote this article to take pressure off the families I see spending countless dollars and hours that they don't have on presents, when in fact those gifts are not required. I do also agree with you that teachers deserve our appreciation!
@Kennedy Lafayette, amen! I was just going to comment. How about saying ‘thank you’. People don’t do things because they are forced to, they do it to show appreciation. We need to learn to say,’thank you’ and be grateful for all we have. This article seemed very ungrateful. I am writing this as a parent and teacher.
Beth, thank you for your feedback. I want to emphasize that I wrote this for the many people I know who ARE feeling gift-giving pressure, and for whom gift-giving is causing financial strain.
@Kennedy Lafayette, exactly my thoughts. Never thought someone would write an article making me feel bad about giving teachers gifts haha! They deserve the most and I appreciate them for everything they do
Thank you so much for appreciating teachers! To clarify, I agree completely that teachers deserve every ounce of appreciation, and I agree that you certainly should not feel bad about giving gifts that you want to give! I wrote this to take pressure off families who are struggling for a host of reasons to give gifts (ex: financially); I'm trying to explain that teacher gifts shouldn't be or feel mandatory. Appreciation can be shown in many ways -- some of them free.
You are what is wrong with our country. Get over it. It is a gift of thanks. Accept it and look no further into it. Also, thinking it falls on the mother to spend her time to put the gifts together is in itself sexist. There are real issues out there and this is not one of them.
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
@Lillie Marshall, wow this commenter is what is wrong with the country. Yikes!
Thanks for your opinion piece. What is your position on gift cards given anonymously? I feel it fulfills the intent of gifting the teacher something tangible and useful while removing the burden of expectations or showing gratitude to the gifter. Curious to hear your opinion!
Hi Odette,
That could be a really smart way of honoring the teacher while avoiding ethical issues!
I think it's terrible to basically discourage giving teachers gifts (not a teacher, just a parent). How ridiculous. I will generously give gift cards and an email of appreciation to the teacher and their principal.
Thank you for your feedback. I hear you, and thank you for honoring teachers in a way that works for you! This article is about the complications of being pressured to give gifts when it doesn't work for you, or when it causes ethical complications.
I’m in another state. In fact in both the daycare and the current public school my child attends , the principal sent out message to all parents with a full list of every teacher’s favorite restaurant, coffee shop , gift cards , etc , as a guidance what we can consider gifting to our teachers. I appreciate such kind of guide, and seems most teachers preference are quite different from what you indicated here in this article ……Ummmm. I would always gift my child’s teacher with the amount within my own comfortable zone , with a thoughtful hand writing card. I don’t do this due to any pressure, but feel it’s meaningful and actually much more reasonable than the tips I have to pay to simply a restaurant waitress who just spent on my table for no more than 2 minutes each time. If I have to tip a waitress $10 for talking to me 5 sentences, I’d rather tip a teacher $50 for supporting my child for a whole school year.
Makes total sense! Thank you for sharing this important perspective.
My daughter’s private school does this amazing thing called ‘secret elves’ where any family can donate as much as they want and they take the pot and divide it up amongst all the teachers and staff. It’s a wonderful idea and this way I know my contribution is going to not only my daughter’s teacher but all the other people who make things a happen such as crossing guards and custodians! It makes me feel better about simply sending a note and a small treat to her teacher.
Great idea! Thank you for sharing!
Hi, My name is Cheryl. I was wondering what law prohibits gifts/gratuities for teachers over $50.00? I can't find that statute anywhere?
Hi Cheryl,
It varies by state, but here's the Massachusetts one for public school teachers: https://www.mass.gov/service-details/public-school-teacher-faqs-on-the-conflict-of-interest-law#:~:text=Teachers%20and%20other%20public%20employees,child%20because%20of%20the%20gift.
I 100% agree with you. Words of affirmation is something a person never forgets than anything else and it motivates the teacher in right sense.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
As a teacher, I used to give my sons' teachers each a bottle of wine. This was easier when they were in elementary school, but seemed more necessary when they joined me at the high school (plus their teachers were all my friends--all the more reason for wine.)
All this article did was basically say if you gift a gift to a teacher you are creating an “uncomfortable” environment and making other parents who can’t give feel bad. This is ridiculous honestly. As long as your giving an appropriate gift and it’s expensive or lavish but something thoughtful and useful there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Don’t make those who like to share their appreciation in this way feel bad. Just because someone can’t doesn’t mean you can’t eaither. All gifs even a card or email or handwritten letter is nice but don’t judge those who like to give. This is a biased opinion.
Thanks for taking the time to share your perspective, and I hear your point. As I said in the article, if gift giving truly makes you happy, go right ahead! The problems come when people give gifts out of obligation, in a way that makes them miserable.
@Anonymous, I could not agree more!!!!! this article is absolute BS!
@Anonymous, I don’t see that at all. And you sound like the person that says “I’ll give my kid an iPad from Santa if I want to, poor kids be damned”. It was one way to think about gift giving that I’m sure most people have not thought of. And if you actually read the article you would have read that she gives plenty of appropriate (in her opinion) gifts to give.
@Anonymous, it’s really not ridiculous. I am a parent who has had guilt over not giving and also felt really pressure from well-meaning mums do a whip-round to collect money.
Some parents simply cannot afford to give presents, especially when they have multiple children at school.
The gift giving seems to keep getting more expensive and over the top too at my children’s school. suggested donations of £10 and spa days, flowers and goody bags given to teachers I just think it is excessive!!
Give if you want to but stop with the pressure! Personally I think all school should consider banning gift giving or dissuade parents from it. If you must give, it can surely be discreetly and not in any way competitively. A card to say thankyou from your child which is hand-drawn must surely touch their hearts more.
Most of us just work and do our job. A note of recongnition or positive words surely mean much more than a gift that you may or may not want. Basically money thrown at you with not necessarily any thought.
I agree with the author and a lot of these comments are just downright rude.
Try and understand that giving gifts is lovely but, just as at Christmas if you get a gift you weren’t expecting and need to buy one back, this is the same pressure to give as that. If you don’t have the money or time this can be very stressful.
It’s not about those of you who give, it’s about those who feel the pressure that they haven’t given and this is amplified by the fact everyone is saying spectre to give.
By giving you create pressure whether you mean to or not.
Sorry this is so badly written, I’m knackered at the moment. I’m his just annoyed me alot seeing the responses here.
J
Dear J,
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave this comment -- you summed up the issue so well!
@Komal, They took time to make this and the best you can do is say this is “BS” They are saying do not give gifts if you can’t afford it and even an email is something as long as you try.
Thank you for this!
I feel this article on so many levels. I single parent, I have a single income and as much as I am ever so thankful for our teachers it stresses me beyond belief to give gifts.
I would be much happier to send and email of thanks like in your suggestion of a way or story that teacher has impacted my Childs life.
When I asked a friend recently if she was gifting her son's teacher she replied "i'm not a monster". Though I"m sure she is giving some mugs LOL.
Your article was very validating!
Maria, I'm so happy to have taken some of the pressure off! On behalf of teachers everywhere, I promise you, there is NO NEED to get a gift. A note is life-changing on its own! Sending the best to you and your family.
Great perspective from a parent point of view! I am in the minority of folks who LOVE gift giving, but HATE any kind of credit. It seems like a consensus that teachers feel uncomfortable or at the very least awkward receiving gifts. How would you feel about an anonymous gift card received AFTER grades are turned in at the end of the school year? Here's my conundrum: The teachers at my small private school are severely undercompensated yet are fantastic with our kiddoes, and I would love to be generous to them. They deserve so much more than they make, and I don't know how else to help bridge that gap!
I appreciate all your feedback.
Thank you for your comment and great question, and for your commitment to honoring teachers. I'd say that an anonymous gift card after grades are turned in would be fine, especially because it doesn't pressure other families since they wouldn't know about it if it were after the year ended. If you do end up doing this (or a version of it), I'd love to hear how it goes! I'm a curious person, so if this happened to me, I'd spend a while wondering who the mysterious person was -- and then ultimately be thankful.
All good points. There is so much candy and sugar that come around Christmas and so many of us are trying to eat healthy. We appreciate the gifts of sweets but the temptation is not a gift. I also can’t eat gluten or dairy. I appreciate a coffee card because you can choose a drink that suits you. I don’t drink wine and I know of at least one teacher who would be offended. Gifts for the classroom like books and heartfelt letters/drawings are the best bet. I appreciate being remembered (as a specials teacher) and am thankful to receive but don’t expect it.
Well said, and I'm glad you agree!
These are really great points! I never really thought of/considered this as much when I was younger/giving gifts to my teachers/professors. I usually wrote them a letter + tried to go for something thoughtful/handmade.
Letters are so lovely! Your gut was right as a child!
Spot-on! As a parent and and educator, I concur with all your points. I love handwritten notes from parents (bonus if illustrated by the child!) and am also happy to get a gift card to a local coffee shop. Having taught overseas the last five years, I must say that popular culture has the upper hand in gift giving, despite school notifications to parents about limiting gifts to teachers. This is particularly true on Teacher's Day when a huge plate of pastry shop-bought cupcakes (to each teacher) is considered an average gift, while designer watches and handbags pop up every now and then. The intent with the latter two gifts is something different than the cupcakes; it is sad to think of what that says to students when such a gift is given.
Thank you for weighing in! Yes -- it is an uphill battle to stay strong against societal pressure. But... designer watches?! Oh my goodness!
Your posts are always so thoughtful and thorough and I really appreciate that! I love that you brought up love languages. I wish more people were more familiar with this concept.
Thank you! Love languages help provide such a useful framework to let us see appreciation where it may have been hidden before.
I usually get teachers a bottle of wine but I am rethinking that decision this year... thanks for the inspo in suitable replacements
Certainly it's a tough call -- some teachers would very much appreciate it, and others might feel uncomfortable. I'd encourage a quick email to ask what feels best.
This post is very timely, especially given that many people are having an economically horrible year with the pandemic. I remember as a kid feeling weird that other students in my class were giving the teachers gifts (and feeling bad that I didn't have one to give). Now, realizing that teachers feel just as awkward is very eye-opening!
Thank you -- this sums up the main point exactly: NO FAMILY SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR NOT GIVING TEACHERS GIFTS! Do what works for YOUR family.
@Lillie Marshall, I agree, honestly you don't owe anyone, anything. You do it because you want to, not because society tells you.
Great thoughts and ideas. This feeds in to conscious gifting, I love the idea of a letter from a child - what a lovely and thoughtful gift for a teacher <3 I grew up with a Mum as a teacher - I know she would love that.
Glad you agree! Conscious gifting is a great framework.
I always thought it was weird to give teachers a bunch of flowers. What about gifts that look cool that kids can make?
That could work -- the key is not causing unneeded stress or financial burden to any party.
So true and so well-put! As a 14-year teacher myself, and someone who loves words of affirmation, I can say that my favorite gifts are those personal, heartfelt notes and emails. #2 was when a super-thoughtful student remembered I love dark chocolate and then got me a STASH of maybe 10 bars But all after I'd finished teaching him and writing his college rec of course!
Yesss!
Good points about the effect out on families. Internally in the school, it can be challenging if a teacher is raking in expensive gifts and other teachers don’t get any/not much. Also, as a male elementary teacher, the sexism thing happens on the receiving end, too. I have gotten some very “male” gifts that do not align with who I am because families were flummoxed and went overly male with the choice. There have been a few times when a student really took the time to get to know me and made a thoughtful choice, but a few times mixed over 26 years does not balance out the negative impact you describe. One school I was in a teacher let it be known that she loved presents and always ended up with a ton of them. It was not an attribute that other teachers appreciated.
Great points about the effects of gender! Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm curious what pops up when people search for "gifts for male teachers." I'm picturing a massive tool set with an apple on it...